I didn’t eat dinner again. 

This time they went out and got food without me. My door was open and I came out before they left, they saw me. 

I know I shouldn’t be upset about it, but I feel like I keep saying how bad my mental situation is, and everyone’s response is that shrug image everyone uses that I’ve never figured out how to create. I have actually literally used the words “I need help” and everyone’s like okay. Literally the least anyone can do is make sure I eat. No one needs to buy me food, but at least if you’re not going to include me in your plans, let me at least stock the damn pantry. 

And it’s also upsetting because last week was the anniversary of my dad’s passing, and it just passed by me. It was my second day at the job, I couldn’t think of anything else. And we had a rocky relationship and he was the source of a lot of my problems, but I know if he was here and knew my brother had just walked out of the apartment without saying anything, without offering to pick something up for me, hadn’t even told me I was on my own for dinner…it wouldn’t be pretty. My dad was a mentally unstable rage addict, but there were times when he was my only defender. But because of the former, I absolutely hate it when I’m made to actually miss him. 

I feel like, I’m living here rent-free (despite offering to contribute to rent-they refused) so I have no right to complain. But I moved in here because I thought it would be better for my mental health. I’ve put effort into not spreading a bunch of stuff everywhere. I do dishes and clean up, not just after myself, but in general. I’ve cleaned out their cats’ litter box while maintaining mine. Like I’m not just dead weight. 

Am I being unreasonable here?

I think I really need to move out soon. I’ve started looking for places. I want my dog back but everytime I ask my mom how he is, she tells me he’s fine, he’s great, he loves the big backyard. And I’m glad he’s fine but there’s that voice in the back of my head telling me he’s better off without me.

And I know this is mostly the depression talking. But that’s why I need  to eat goddammit.