cerulean-beekeeper:

agentdalecooper:

agentdalecooper:

today i was talking to my coworker jess and she said to me “i’ve been trying to think of how to tell my husband that i want a horse. i’m really non confrontational and i don’t know how to tell him. like, thanks for the flowers, but i want a horse.” and i was like, “well, you could always send him subliminal messages. like tape pictures of horses all over the walls and stuff” and she gave me this really weird look and was like “i said divorce not horse“ oh my god…

classic material

This is the kind of things I’d do.

The other day one of Finn’s teachers said, “On Tuesday I lost my grandson.”  Or at least, that’s what I thought she said.  So I say, “Oh wow I’m so sorry.” Then really she doesn’t look at all upset and now just looks very confused.  So I’m like, did she me lost like the kid was hiding in the back yard and she found him or…?

What she really said was “On Tuesdays I watch my grandson.”