Hey look what I just purchased. For the same amount I could have bought the third season and actually completed my collection of the actual show but I’ve spent life making questionable decisions so why start making sense now?
Also guess which one took the longest to get here. Just guess.
If you guessed the one with the picture of my Beautiful Science Princess on the cover then I am sorry to inform you that I am back on my bullshit. (Also you are correct. Wtf USPS?)
Possible stupid question. Should I throw this scale away?
Can I even trust it anymore? Would you trust this scale?
I’m going to save up for a new motorcycle by running a scam where I bet straight dudes at bars twenty bucks that I can get a girl’s number in under five minutes and then politely walk up her and say, “I just bet that asshole twenty bucks that I could get your number. I’ll split it with you if you pretend to laugh like I just said a good pick up line and then write a fake number on my hand.”
Like, I never understood those kind of bets in those shitty teen movies. Everybody loves being part of a scheme, man. Use your head.
If anyone ever does this to me I’ll call them out on being a con artist.
Joke’s on you, buddy. That’ll only have consequences the first, what, couple dozen times? I can take a punch.
But then eventually, I’ll have money for the bike, and whenever I get called out, I’ll just speed off, and, sure, maybe I crash and die in a gutter and the police can’t figure out why I have hundreds of fake phone numbers stuffed in my jacket and it launches a huge investigation that becomes sort of a local legend, but you know whose problem that is? Not fucking mine.
Because I’m a slutty motorcycle ghost, and who’s gonna’ stop me then? The ghost cops? Nice try. Everybody knows cops can’t become ghosts because they just go straight to hell. It’s basic math.
Moral of the story, don’t be a con artist or you will die in a horrible accident and become a lonely ghost.
First of all, don’t you ever accuse me of having morals, narrative or otherwise, ever again.
And second, where did I say I’d be lonely? I’d be a ghost on a motorcycle. That’s the sexiest thing that there is. You look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t bone Ghostrider. Look me in the goddamn eyes.
Anyway so I’m calling Rep. Farenthold later to accept on Sen. Collin’s behalf and I’m choosing Fists. Can take place in Iowa because if two parties agree to mutual combat, under state law it is totally legal here.
And if he accepts yes I will stream that shit live don’t be silly.
And after I beat his ass once for Collins, I will duel him again on Murkowski’s behalf.
Square up, bitch.
OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GOD CSPAN BOUT TO BE LIT
Submitted
SO I CALLED HIS DC OFFICE AND SAID BASICALLY THE SAME THING I SENT VIA EMAIL.
After about 20 seconds of dead silence, the staffer let out kinda a little laugh and said “Well ma’m, I’ll be happy to pass on your…”
“I’m not joking.”
“Ma’m?”
“You think I’m joking. I am dead serious. You want my address? Or I’ll meet him at the airport. I am absolutely serious about this. Oh, and as the challenged party, I get to pick weapons. I choose fists.”
Another 20 seconds of somehow even deeper silence.
“I…I’ll pass your challenge on to the congressman.”
“No. He issued the challenge. I’m accepting. Unless he’s backing out like the spineless coward he is.”
More silence. “I…I’ll let Congressman Farenthold know, ma’m.”
“You do that.”
ANYWAY SO HOW DID YOU ALL SPEND YOUR LUNCH BREAK TODAY.
I LOVE THIS DO IT B
followup when
FOLLOW UP; He has proved himself a faithless coward and refused to meet me in honest physical combat, so I cursed him. Specifically, called on his past misdeeds to be visited upon him and justice he’s evaded to find him.
The Paradox Machine 