Category: Uncategorized

cerulean-beekeeper:

agentdalecooper:

agentdalecooper:

today i was talking to my coworker jess and she said to me “i’ve been trying to think of how to tell my husband that i want a horse. i’m really non confrontational and i don’t know how to tell him. like, thanks for the flowers, but i want a horse.” and i was like, “well, you could always send him subliminal messages. like tape pictures of horses all over the walls and stuff” and she gave me this really weird look and was like “i said divorce not horse“ oh my god…

classic material

This is the kind of things I’d do.

The other day one of Finn’s teachers said, “On Tuesday I lost my grandson.”  Or at least, that’s what I thought she said.  So I say, “Oh wow I’m so sorry.” Then really she doesn’t look at all upset and now just looks very confused.  So I’m like, did she me lost like the kid was hiding in the back yard and she found him or…?

What she really said was “On Tuesdays I watch my grandson.”

library-mermaid:

elementarymydearfandom:

library-mermaid:

writing-prompt-s:

Harry, Hermione, and Ron are killed early in their search for Horcruxes. Voldemort orders a full invasion of Hogwarts to find the remaining ones. In a panic, Hogwarts is evacuated. One student slept through the evacuation order: 4th year American transfer student Kevin McCallister.

I would like to go on the record as saying….i hate this…….

He’d win

That is part of why….I hate it……bc I genuinely to the core of my being believe that Macaulay Culkin could probably have finished Voldemort faster than the golden trio & Dumbledore combined…………this kid could play a fake recording of Dumbledore saying “Merry Christmas ya filthy animal” with the sound of spells being fired off from the Room of Requirement and Tom Riddle would be tf out of there so fast & slip on a Portable Swamp and fall down a changing staircase…………..