idk if it’s just how my very silly brain operates but does anybody else get like. a weird second wave of procrastination right before you finish something. like you already did 70-90% of the work, it realistically won’t take you that long to be done, but for some reason. u just can’t. like. time’s up on executive function. like. oh sorry did you want to not be worried about this? bc im going to make u have to be worried about this. thanks!
– You have to shower. You cannot shower. You are standing right in front of the shower. You want to shower. You cannot shower.
– The meeting begins. “Did everyone see the email?” There is a chorus of nodding heads. You nod, too. You think you may possibly have checked an email account before, on one single occasion, at some unknown time, probably in a past life.
– You are hungry. You have been hungry for three days now. The hunger has not spontaneously resolved itself. How inconvenient, you think. How rude.
– You depend on your planner/calendar. You loathe your planner/calendar. You can’t function without it. You live in constant fear of it. It’s an unhealthy relationship. You think you both should start seeing other people.
– There is a pile on your floor. It is a treasure trove, the Room of Requirement. It has everything. You look for something specific. It has nothing. There was never any pile.
– There’s been a change of plans, they say. You don’t understand. They repeat: “there’s been a change of plans.” You don’t understand. The mere suggestion causes a buzzing in your head that drowns out everything else. You don’t understand.
– You’re in class and you don’t understand the lecture. You look back at your past notes. You look at a calendar. You have not been to class in two weeks. You have no memory of this supposed time. Where did it go? Why did it leave?
– “Organizational tips for success: Keep a planner! Write it down! Stick to a schedule! Make a list!” You are torn between deranged laughter and ugly crying. You choose both.
– You type a few words, your phone rings, you answer. You frown and type a few words. A text, you open it and respond. You forget what you were doing. You type a few words. A text, you ignore it. You type a thousand words. A text, you open it. “Why haven’t you responded?” It’s been a week.
– You need your medication, you call to renew your prescription. You’re out of refills and the doctor needs to see you before you renew. You don’t get your medication again for six months.
– You want to RSVP to your cousin’s wedding but there’s no email address or phone number, just a card in an envelope that you have to put in the mailbox. You put it somewhere that you won’t forget it. The wedding was yesterday.
– “Look, it’s just one more stop before we head home, why are you making such a big deal of it?”
– “Hey, I invited our friends over to hang out for the day and maybe get lunch. You said you were free today, right?” You’re always free but you never have time. It takes an hour to decide what lunch will be.
– You write the shopping list. You stand in front of your door holding your keys while you tape the list to your phone. You step outside and realize you don’t know where your keys are. You step inside and they’re in your hand. You go to the store and pull out your phone. There never was a list.
– You’re meeting someone for what you’re sure is the tenth time. They say their name and all you hear is a high-pitched ringing. You carefully avoid interacting with them for the rest of the evening so you don’t run the risk of having to introduce them to anyone.
– “C’mon, you were in ceramics with me, we made clay boxes together. I sat next to you for two years!” You’ve never seen this person before in your life.
– You have to be somewhere at 6AM. You can’t be late. You don’t sleep the night before to be sure you can make it. When you’re late to work the next week your boss says “you can be on time when you want to be, you’re choosing to show me that you don’t care.” You don’t sleep to make it in to work on time tomorrow. You never sleep. You never sleep.
– You have to pee but if you don’t finish typing this sentence you’ll forget what you were saying. By the time you finish typing your body doesn’t notice that you still have to pee.
That autistic / ADHD feel when you want to do… something.
I call this “activity cravings” because it’s like when you want a certain food but you aren’t sure which food. But for activities.
Do I want to go for a walk? Play a game? If so, what kind of game? DO I want to make things? Read? Watch tv? A movie?
then when that executive dysfunction comes into play and since you could do literally anything in the world, you end up trapped and unable to choose anything to do at all, and do nothing instead but live in that restlessness
One of the best additions to this post yet. This is one of those nuances of choice paralysis that people fail to understand – sometimes it is because we lack the executive function to choose, sometimes we want to do all the things and can’t choose.
And, if your depressive anhedonia kicks in, even if you DO decide on something, you quit 10 minutes later because the thing just isn’t doing it for you.
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god this post is such a mood, all the time
Me on my days off from work
Do I have “I’m Not Being Productive Enough” fatigue or “I Need A Break From Productivity” fatigue?
Will I become an overworked wreck or an underworked anxiety ball? tune in next w
Social anxiety level: “mentally rehearsing the word ‘Here!’ over and over before the professor calls your name during roll call”
Social Anxiety level: holding all your money from the moment you walk in the door so when you get in line to pay u don’t have to waste everyone’s time
Social anxiety level: Being done with your test before anyone else but not wanting to get up and walk to the front of class, so you wait until someone else stands up.
Social Anxiety level: Editing the fuck out of everything you say mentally, so that you don’t come off as annoying for saying too much by including unnecessary details no one asked for or care about.
It’s crazy that I’ve done these things all my life and never even realized it wasn’t normal
please remember that just because you appear calm doesn’t mean you don’t have anxiety
anxiety can manifest itself through perfectionism, obsessive compulsive behaviors, hyper-vigilance, irritability, increased maladaptive coping mechanisms, extreme caution, racing thoughts, insomnia, nightmares, and more. it doesn’t always appear as jittery hyperactivity
anxiety doesn’t always show, and you don’t have to force it to show in order to get help
The Paradox Machine 