sockpuppetblues:

“Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.”

“I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.”

“She looked away. Her attitude seemed to suggest that she had finished with him, and would be obliged if somebody would come and sweep him up.”

“Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.”

“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.”

“A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle.”

“Everything in life that’s any fun, as somebody wisely observed, is either immoral, illegal or fattening.”

“As for Gussie Fink-Nottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.”

“This is a bit steep, Jeeves!”
“Approaching the perpendicular, sir.”

“Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.”

“I’m not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare who says that it’s always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.”

“There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottke going about in sea boots.”

“A slight throbbing about the temples told me that this discussion had reached saturation point.”

“At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.”

“This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.”

“Like so many cows, it lacked sustained dramatic interest.”

“It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can’t help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet.”

“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.”

“Out on the course each morning you could see the representatives of every nightmare style that was ever invented. There was the man who seemed to be attempting to deceive his ball and lull it into a false security by looking away from it and then making a lightning slash in the apparent hope of catching it off its guard. There was the man who wielded his mid-iron like one killing snakes. There was the man who addressed his ball as if he were stroking a cat, the man who drove as if he were cracking a whip, the man who brooded over each shot like one whose heart is bowed down by bad news from home, and the man who scooped with his mashie as if he were ladling soup.”

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

“What ho!” I said.
“What ho!” said Motty.
“What ho! What ho!”
“What ho! What ho! What ho!”
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

“She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when’.”

“I always advise people never to give advice.”

“If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.”

“It was one of those parties where you cough twice before you speak and then decide not to say it after all.”

“I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.”

“If he had a mind, there was something on it.”

“The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.”

“Jeeves lugged my purple socks out of the drawer as if he were a vegetarian fishing a caterpillar out of his salad.”

“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.”

“He resembled a minor prophet who had been hit behind the ear with a stuffed eel-skin.”

“I don’t suppose she would recognize a deep, beautiful thought if you handed it to her on a skewer with tartare sauce.”

“Before my eyes he wilted like a wet sock.”

“There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself ‘Do trousers matter?’ ”
“The mood will pass, sir.”

“I have no doubt that you could have flung bricks by the hour in England’s most densely populated districts without endangering the safety of a single girl capable of becoming Mrs. Augustus Fink-Nottle without an anaesthetic.”

“It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn’t.”

trans-chat:

• A few months before you get surgery, exercise a lot, especially in your core. If you do lots of crunches and/or situps, once you’ve lost a lot of mobility and strength it will be so much easier to sit up and stand up if your abdominal muscles are stronger. 
• Bendy straws! It makes drinking beverages so much easier. 
• Make sure stuff is in arms’ reach since you won’t be able to reach very far. 
• Stay ahead of your pain. Don’t wait until you hurt so much you can hardly move. 
• Medicines you are given often give you a dry mouth, so 1. keep lots of water handy 2. get some minty gum because that dry mouth will make it taste like something died in there. Also brush your teeth (duh.) 
• Get some stool softener pills. Any sort of narcotic pain killers (like Norco, Vicodin, etc.) will constipate the heck out of you, and milk of magnesia is gross af, just take pills to get the same effects. 
• Always wash your hands, it’ll reduce the risk of infection. 
• When positioning yourself, make sure your chest is in as little pain as possible, but also make sure you’re not going to make every other part of your body sore as a result. In trying to stop any pressure on my chest whatsoever, I twisted my back around and woke up with a really sore back. 
• If you do end up with muscle pains, heating pads are great. If your chest hurts, use cold to treat pain and decrease swelling but only for short periods and with lots of bandages on your chest. 
• Get some nice facial wipes because you won’t be able to shower for a week or longer. Also, the night before you get surgery (or whenever the last time you shower before then,) don’t condition your hair. It’s not as healthy, sure, but it’ll keep it from getting too greasy as you won’t be able to wash it for a while. 
• Cough drops or some sort of hard candy, also tea with honey is highly recommended, as you’ll probably have a sore throat from the breathing tube they give you under anesthesia. 
• If you want to take a non-narcotic pain killer, take tylenol, not an NSAID like advil, because NSAID pills can make bleeding worse. Also, don’t take multivitamins for the week before, as Vitamin E can worsen bleeding. 
• Even if you’ve got drains like I did, the first night you sleep, you should put down a towel to sleep on in case you leak from other places under the bandages or surgical vest. This is normal so long as you’re not leaking dark red blood, but then again why stain your sheets when you can avoid it? 
• Wear easy-to-move-in and easy-to-remove clothes: no jeans, no t-shirts, stick to button-downs and sweatpants or pajama pants. 

Feel free to add more tips! 

-L

One last thing, shave your armpits because tape WILL get caught in the hair and that’s quite unpleasant.

I’ve never had top surgery (I’m cis) so I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t be commenting, but I was in a car wreck with a DUI red light runner and the combination seatbelt/airbag/force of the crash gave me sternum pain so bad I couldn’t breathe at times and I was on pain meds so idk maybe it’s comparable.

I second sticking to button downs. My wreck was in January, so I was in flannel button downs and yoga pants for a solid week. Also second the heating pads and staying ahead of your pain. I took my pain meds like clockwork that first week, as directed by the dosage, and things went pretty smoothly. 

The one thing I wanted to add though. Since you’re (presumably) going to be able to plan ahead, make sure you have plenty easy to eat foods on hand. I don’t know about top surgery, but experiencing an equivalent of taking a battering ram to your breast bone makes movements like lifting your arms and twisting pretty uncomfortable, so you really don’t want to be cooking. Freezer meals are your friends. Right after I got out of the hospital, we stocked up on frozen dinners, things like frozen lasagna and taquitos I could just stick in the oven and microwaveable meals. Also snacks. I spent half my time right after the wreck watching TV in a painkiller-induced daze while munching on goldfish.